Abram

There were many battles to overcome from February to November in 2006.
There was the battle to keep my food down.
There was the battle to ween my currently breastfeeding baby.
There was the battle to overcome daily migraines.
Starting at nine weeks, the battle began with my veins and the pain of pooling blood.
Ted hose are a battle all their own, both ugliness (why do they only come in wretched dark suntan?) and their vice grip strength made me constantly reconsider their necessity.



Then came the needles, the tests, the fasting(no pregnant woman should have to go without sugar and carbs that long), the classes, and the diagnosis of gestational diabetes. Although my husband really believes the diagnosis to be insurance fraud (always the attorney), there was a blessing in drawing blood from my forearm 4 times a day, my blood sugar was very low, and I was able to correct my hypoglycemia with regular sugar indulgence.
There were the constant screenings with multiple doctors, parinatologists, and many, many midwives.
There was the ultrasound with the short femurs. Apparently, short femurs are a soft marker for down syndrome, so there was more testing.



As Abram's arrival drew closer, the testing, the threats (yes, there were threats), and the daily battles with the doctors grew more intense.
I knew that I would be overdue (I'm always overdue). I knew that my baby was not large, he in fact was my smallest (were there not daily ultrasounds to prove this?).
But I complied with the redundant testing, the NST's and the ultrasounds (thank you to all of you who watched my daughters during this time, it made this bearable).
Abram was due on November 10th. I gave up the battle on November 17th and surrendered to my midwife, Melissa, at the American Fork hospital. Abram took his time for a 3rd baby, and there were complications.
Through all this, my greatest battle was the feeling of inadequacy. I and my body were not ready for another baby. I didn't know if somewhere inside of me was a mother who could love and support 3 very young children.



But Abram was beautiful. His large eyes conjured up magical resources of love from my soul.
Not everyday of the past year has been magical. It is difficult. There are days that I wonder if I am the mom for these beautiful children.
But all in all, I am grateful. I am grateful to you Abram. Your smile, your eyes, your tiny hands (and femurs), are a gift. You are making me a mother. I have to dig deep, but there is the possibility of being a great mother. You forever remind me of the dependence that I need to place on the Lord. You constantly remind me that greatness is not in me, but through me.
I love you and I would battle again and again for you.



Happy Birthday!

The photos were all taken by the fabulous photographer, Kate Benson.