Friday, July 13, 2012

Our Fourth (the abridged version):

The photos are all from the Provo parade. What I forgot to photograph was the fun with cousins, food, and fireworks.

Friday, May 11, 2012

The Friday before Mother's Day

My father calls and wants to know when I will post on this blog. Often. And I've talked of vacillation before. Yesterday the sky was perfectly blue. This morning was grey, but wait! Now again, it is blue with swirly white strands of cottony clouds. Last night I had very little sleep which lends itself to a morning of need. Yesterday, I was a tinge frightened by the apathy I felt toward the (necessary) dependence I should feel on my creator. And so as I approach Mother's day I take an assessment. (Really, always, everyday.) One of my children breaks me. Every single day. And it has always been. From the day she was born I was broken, and I am just not sufficient enough. Every morning we do the same dance, and I think: Really? Really? It is like some kind of SNL skit. At some point I think it must improve, but it doesn't. And I fall flat. And there it is, this hardness, a difficulty that is really more than me. Sometimes I think back on former episodes of my life. And about change. About times when the Lord's grace seemed to bubble over from inside and change seemed to take place quickly. But I am on no fast track now. I am slow to learn, I find myself often confused. But when in the right place the question arises: have you felt to sing the song of redeeming love? And I have! I have! The Lord's love and grace is about change. And when I come to Him with my broken pieces (over and over) and childish questions (because I am such a child) I am never condemned, there is never a Really? Really? And this grace defines. It defines people as God's children. By love and not by their sins. And not by mine. And so tomorrow I will try again (and the next day). And I know I will keep coming up short. I don't know what this will mean, for my daughter or for me or for anyone else. But every hardness I've encountered has been a gift, a treasure that has brought me steps closer to my Savior.

Friday, April 20, 2012

The blog continues:

I don't know why I say I will...because I won't, but I try. Mostly, the last thing I want to do is blog, I want the stories and the photos, I just don't want to do it myself.

I am a lucky girl. That is the truth. I tell myself this often, I have struggles-things that seem Mt. Everest in the moment but really are just the facts of life in the long run. But really, life is good to me.



Our spring break was pretty peaceful. We had a zoo trip with friends and did some cleaning, and I had an alone trip to the dinosaur museum with Abram and Rosemary. My favorite part of the museum is the mammoth screen, I don't go to the theater often, but when I do, it is to the mammoth screen to learn about rocks!











Norah has a fun teacher who has the children put on some sort of presentation quite often. I haven't done my best to document this but here are a few:



Norah and Neptune. At least I think it was Neptune, I can't remember.





Norah as Josephina, her favorite character from a book.



Norah at her Christmas pageant.

Speaking of Norah, she was one of 90 children who tried out for the school talent show, about 20 were chosen and Norah was one. I am not a delusional parent, I can admit when my child wasn't great, but Norah was awesome. Seriously, one of the best. Brad had practiced with her for quite a while and she sang beautifully, played the tambourine perfectly, and kicked A on the harmonica. And when I figure out how to get it off of her video camera, I will post it on here.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Starting Over



The air is still a bit chilly, but I can feel the promise of spring.

We are ready. We planted primroses in little terracotta pots, the pansies are waiting on the porch, and the dahlias are going in the dirt today.



My children are getting all itchy for outside and I cut my hair off. My stomach is pretty darn flat (standing only, sitting all bets are off.) Marathon training is well underway, 19 miles alone last weekend, at an eight minute average. Yay for gluten free!

I am anxious for arugula in my garden (spiders and all) and on my plate. And I am just ready to let the work begin, because I love the work of spring.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Because I will forget these things...



Rosemary truly can be a pill, and she often is, everyday. But she is at that age when everything (almost) she says is pretty darling. These are the few I remember from the past few days:



Lulu is on the early track so from the time I get her up to the time I hustle her out the door, it is a race. Yesterday, as she was putting her socks and shoes on, I yelled: Hop to it Lulu! Rosemary who was sitting at the counter eating breakfast said: Lulu isn't a rabbit momma!



Rosemary is also at the stage where she is laying down some serious manipulation. Bottom line is, she wants to be treated like a big girl while simultaneously being treated like a baby. She often wants me to carry her, which leads to the: my leg hurts, or my throw ups, or the token "cough". Last night, at bedtime, she refused to walk across the bridge that joins both halves of our upstairs. She pleaded with Brad to pick her up and carry her. When asked why she couldn't walk she said, pointing over the railing, speaking in her most dramatic whisper: it's dangerous dad, it's dangerous.

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Just wanted to get this in...

I want this in my blog book so here is a little post:

This year we wanted to not only save money on our Christmas cards/pictures, but I wanted them to feel a little more organic. In my old age I guess I am too underwhelmed with the contrived/manufactured look. I just wanted a somewhat decent snapshot that we could tape on some paper that Norah water-colored. Good idea no? Well, in my somewhat idealistic brain it seemed easy-peasy, but that is not quite the way it played out.

On Thanksgiving we dressed in nicer clothing (brushed our hair and that sort of stuff), asked my father to take a few pictures in his back yard, and then the festivities began!

Apparently, being photographed is akin to torture.

#1


Not that bad, but not that good either. And Rosemary!

#2


Seriously? How hard is it to look at the camera?

#3


Whatever. And we all look a little sick.

#4


This was as good as it was going to get, but Rosemary!

So I caved, and had my running friend switch her head, which made it look manufactured and far from perfect. But I suppose that was the point.



And so it is. My favorite photographs of my family (siblings, parents) are the silly, either trying way-too-hard studio portraits or snapshots where people are posed far from perfect, eyes are crazy, someone is doing something that I'm sure made my parents cringe, and personalities are conveyed.

Maybe I don't want to forget how crazy it is to assemble a family of six before the camera.

Friday, February 17, 2012

My Career.

I now serve on the "Relief Society committee" since being released as the YW president a year ago. It is just alright, I've served here before and I'm still not quite sure what the real purpose is, if you know what I mean. If you don't, just ignore me.

Anyway, our last meeting (on Wednesday) was on using technology to keep memories and family history. I was asked to speak on blogging. Uh-huh. I guess I need to step it up and write a little more about these people I am raising and these relationships I have been entrusted with.

Norah:





The relationship that I have with Norah is my most difficult. I love Norah, she is sweet and talented, but she presents challenges. At 4 in the morning, I can be found lamenting the fact that I will be fasting every single fast Sunday, for the rest of the year for Norah and myself. I know that I need to learn how to allow her to develop into her best self and into the potential she has while also teaching her responsibility and efficiency. That is hard, I don't know how to yet, but I have faith that I can learn.

She is taking ballet and enjoys it. She is insightful and thoughtful. She tends to question things, like women and their roles in the church. I wonder where she gets this?

Lulu:





Lulu needs me and I need Lulu. For whatever reason, I seem to "feel" Lulu, I always have. She hugs me way too tight, and expects the ridiculous from me, but she is profoundly loveable. It isn't fair to all the other children in the world that Lulu exists.

She loves school and other children. She even has a crush, which is a good sign. She also day dreams about little fantasies, which is another good sign. She told me one morning that she day dreamed about being the only student who showed up for A tack and her crush being the only student who showed up for B track, so that they would be totally alone. Another time, she told me of her fantasy of being out on a gymnasium floor with a crowd watching her, while an announcer said: You are about to witness Lulu! The amazing gymnast! I signed her up for gymnastics within the week by the way.

Abram:





I am having a sort of renaissance of affection with Abram. He went through a tough stage of torturing his sister and whining, but he is starting to pull through. I think he is brilliant of course. He makes things constantly. If he sees something he wants, he immediately sets out to make it. He has some serious ingenuity. He attached a cable from the handle of his locker to the handle of the shoe drawer below in order to open both drawers at once (because it is too much work to open one at a time.)

The other day we were talking about school and I asked him who his best friend was. He replied: Mommy. Today, while I was helping him clean his bathroom, he asked me if Jesus would take care of our home when we are dead. I told him that someone else would live in our home when we died. He asked if Jesus would at least take care of his blankie.

Rosemary:







I'm just going to be honest: Rosemary is driving me crazy. She is up, she is down, she is crying, she is yelling, she loves me, she doesn't love me, she only loves daddy, or Abram. Nothing is ever right or good enough for her and I don't know why I didn't choose abstinence. But she smiles and bats her eyelashes and I melt again. I pray this will pass too.



Brad is a good husband and really loves our children. He takes them almost every Saturday to do something fun, and most of the time I stay home and read while Rosemary sleeps. We are lucky.



Sometimes when things are actually pretty good, I wait for the other shoe to drop. But I am trying to find peace in actually enjoying the fruits of good labor or the fruits of plain old luck. I am actually starting to maybe unlock some of the secrets of life, seriously? I am enjoying the mundane, the teaching of math (yuck), the teaching of cleaning the toilets, the laundry piles, and the tiny increments of success every day. I guess this is it. Living in the moment is hard for someone like me but slowly, it is sinking in.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Checking In









For those of you that are curious, we are still alive. And really, I would like a blog to look back on, but when I think of posting I become too overwhelmed with actually taking the time to do it. I suppose I should simplify and just do what is easy and efficient, maybe post a picture a few times a week (which would perhaps generate more photos) and if there is time to write, I will write. No pressure though.

We are doing well. My children are pretty fantastic (mostly), there have been a few highlights and maybe later I will put them up in cyber space. We took a trip to Moab a few weeks ago and the top two pictures pretty much speak as to the mood. Some time was spent moping and whining. Some was spent in happiness. Such is life. It was a sort of epiphany for me, my mother probably endured many road trips, gutting them out for our sakes. Thank you mom. It is all gold and bliss for us. As for my children, I hope they have fond memories of Moab. I will choose to only remember pieces:)

I am so good. So much better than I have been in, well, a few years. I was really pretty sick for about a year and a half. The thing is I really didn't know or understand it. It progressively became worse over time, I was always complaining to my friends and family that I just didn't feel well, that I was exhausted, and that there was something wrong. My running was horrible, sometimes I would have to stop and put my head between my knees. My iron was low, I saw a doctor, did blood work, experimented with all kinds of stuff, but didn't get better. I know this is a tale, but because of the way I feel now, I feel like I need to shout it from the roof tops. Anyway, around Thanksgiving I saw a doctor again to no avail. On my car ride home I was lamenting my fate and sincerely, I heard a voice tell me what I needed to do. I needed to go gluten-free and sugar-free. And I did, and I have! Within a week all of my ailments subsided, I have tremendous energy, have lost 11 pounds and am so grateful! My running is the best it has ever been (with the exception of when I was 100 lbs and 16.) And really, I can't say enough about how wonderful I feel, it really is miraculous! So if I go on and on sometimes about my food or health, please forgive me. I am not selling anything, I am just giddy that my food truly was my medicine.

Until next time.