I began 2 posts with exceedingly high expectations only to reach the halfway point and find I was much more interested in lying on the couch than finishing a story about a merciless storm and valentine's dinner recipes and gifts.
I also need to apologize to my former foe, the highly abused and addictive drug; caffeine. I have had great disdain for you, and have disrespected you all of these years. Although I still do not trust you, and will undoubtedly abandon you after this trying period is over, I am grateful for your strength and forgiveness. Thank you.
Onto the good stuff. As awesome as my husband is, I have taken a lover. We rendezvous as often as possible. I place myself carelessly, in precarious and tempting situations where I am often overcome with desire and lust. This lust consumes my thoughts, day and night. There is a satisfaction that comes from indulging my fantasies and allowing the flesh to be weak. I wish I could say that I am penitent about my baseness, but I am pretty much guilt free.
Of course, I am speaking of the greatest of all lovers; food. Food and I are having a really good time. And boy oh boy, do I have a type. I consistently crave a heavy on the garlic, caesar salad (and I have the breath to prove it).
I have never experienced this sort of lust for food, let alone a salad. It is like I cannot get enough of the romaine, Parmesan, anchovies, and croûtons. Beyond the garlic, I'm not even sure there is much nutritional value in a caesar salad, but somehow, it satisfies. I wonder what is behind pregnancy cravings? This is the first pregnancy in which I have been consumed by a specific dish for such a lengthy period of time. Am I alone? Was there rhyme or reason to your cravings?
OK, onto a very serious situation. Abram is finally weened, but he is still not sleeping as well as I had hoped. Now that I have finally convinced him that cow's milk is just as delicious as breast milk, he wakes at 3am demanding a full bottle of milk (please don't give me any crap about him using a bottle at 15 months, he knows how to drink out of a cup, he doesn't take a bottle to bed, and he is a small boy who needs his 24 oz. of whole milk anyway he will take it). Because he is small, and because he will actually drink 9 oz. at 3am., I feel pretty guilty about denying him. The problem is I need some sleep. Brad is willing to give him the bottle, but Abram is unwilling to accept the bottle from Brad. Abram has a habit of stroking a lock of my hair while nursing (or bottle feeding). To me, there is an easy solution. Brad just needs to grow a rat's tail off to the side of the neck which can drape over his shoulder in order to provide easy access for Abram's stroking grasp. I know a rat's tail is unsightly, and slightly out of style. And a rat's tail may not be a very professional do, in fact, I don't think I've ever seen any attorneys on Law & Order with a tail, but it would be a small sacrifice for the good of the whole (the whole of course, being me).
So what do you think?
Who votes for a rat's tail?
27 comments:
connor had a bottle until 18 months...he was skinny too, that is my reason for keeping him on it.
so don't let anyone judge you!
and i will keep wearing my disneyland jacket, thank you for the permission!
Oh this post made me laugh. I even shared the rat's tail section with my husband. Too funny.
Problem with me voting in favor...I think it would take too long for it to grow...that is precious sleep you would be giving up in the mean time.
If you do come up with any solutions I would love to hear them. My 18-month-old still wakes up (sometimes) a few times per night. I guess I should just be glad I don't have the "I don't give a rat's *&%" kinda tired. eh?
That rat's tail is HOT!
(by the way, check your email, sorry it's taken me so long).
Amber K.
As soon as I saw the title to your post, I knew I was going to love it. And I did! Thanks for entertaining me while I wait for my stupid computer to figure out how to fix itself.
Anyway, lots of comments are coming to my mind. First, go with the Caesar. I loved it when I had cravings because then I could eat something that completely satisfied me. With Cate it was corn. Yep, just corn with butter and lots of pepper.
Second, as long as your baby doesn't drink out of a bottle when he is 5 (I knew someone who let her kid), then he's fine. You gotta do what works.
Third, you should find a wig for Brad to wear. Drag vs. rat's tail, I think I go for drag.
I'm sure one of those natural, armpit hair-growing, Boobs Until They're Two Lactation Station will have a faux nursing curl for men, just like they have the strap-on boobs (like on Meet the Fockers). Then Brad can save time growing hair and you two could actually have something to use as a dress up piece later in the you-know-where. Haha, ok really I just wanted to say that I love your writing and think you should write a column and be a Carrie Bradshaw for moms in Utah County.
And as for Abram, it may just be that this little "Tom" (I SO think he looks like your dad) just needs more calories during the day. More oz of solid foods throughout the day so that you know he isn't needing the extra calories at night. Just a thought.
I don't judge mothers. Mothers are great and whatever works, works. I vote for the rat's tale. If that doesn't work, have brad walk around without a shift and have abrahm stroke his chest hair or armpit locks.
Sorry you are so tired martha.
P.S. ass has three letters, not four. :) You can let Shaylene know too.
P.S.S. that was supposed to say shirt, not shift
I don't give a rats ass. ;)
I figure if you can cuss on my blog, I can cuss on yours!
Who cares if you kid is ten and still drinking from a bottle when he's SO STINKING CUTE?!?!
Chop off a lock of your own hair, and have brad clip it on! You need your sleep.
What a riot... Perhaps Abram could stroke the new beard Brad is sporting. I like him with a beard... gray hair and all.
I'm sorry Abram's not sleeping... I know you need your sleep!
Till Later
Insightful Nan
I was going to say exactly what Paige said.
And I was so going to judge you and give you crap about the bottle when I remembered that my kids also had bottles at that age, so it would totally be hypocritical. Maybe next time...
Hahaha! Rat's tail.
I definitely vote for a rat's tail.
Does that sleep book say anything about it?
I had to laugh at the rats@#$ comment, because my aunt sent me a card with that in it once, and ever since then I really have to catch myself to avoid blurting it out once in a while!
Hilarious. I vote for the rat tail. Anything that allows you a few extra minutes of sleep is acceptable, no matter how white trash.
On another note, thanks for stopping by my blog and for your sympathetic, comforting thoughts. Muchly appreciated.
My 4 1/2 year old still takes a sippy cup to bed, and she still doesn't sleep through the night--pathetic, I know.
Grapefruits and tomatoes were my pregnancy cravings. I was so desperate for tomatoes that I did the unthinkable and bought the vine ripened ones at the grocery store! What are they--like $5 per tomatoe? And they don't even taste good!
And I don't know what to say about the rat's tail...
Owen loved playing and pulling on hair and I got so sick of it. So, we went to the mall and purchased a cheap, nasty hair piece. I thought that I could use it to trick him and it lasted about 5 seconds... You can always try getting Brad a hair piece- he would look HOT!
Cut off a strand of your hair and rubberhand it to his. I say do it!!! ANYTHING to sleep Martha!!!
I am cracking up. No worries about the bottle. You have to do what you need to do. I am weening Lex and I am almost there. I only feed at night and I am scared to eliminate that feeding. aagghhh.
We must have the same taste buds. Everything you post about eating always looks so good to me....especially the paninis with mozz cheese and the basil, which I'm now addicted to! But also when I was pregnant all I wanted was a caesar salad!! I'm right there with ya on that crave of yours.
The rats tail is not a bad idea and my sixteen month old is just now being weaned off her bottle, so no judgment here. I was told not to eat Caeser salad when I was pregnant because of the raw eggs in the dressing. I ate it anyway but used bottled dressing with no raw eggs. What is your trick?
Emily, I make my own dressing but instead of the raw eggs I either use mayo or hard boiled egg yolks. Of course, my eggs are not always cooked through the yolk and I do eat soft cheeses and sushi and once in a while I even eat mercury tainted seafood so I am one of those bad moms.
No rat's tail! Disgusting!!! Emma is almost 21 months and still has her bottle... oh well.
Tues. great...yes,did you get the 2nd message?
Have him grow one...your sleep is too important. You could always buy one of those fake mullets & clip it on to his hair...yuck, huh? Hang in there!!
you can still name your baby Stella if you want.
I am having an affair with food too. But I'm not picky at this point. I'm just hungry! As you know, my mom-in-law left yesterday, so no more cooked breakfasts . . .unless I can pull it together between nursing and trying to sleep.
Anyhoo. Thanks for your offer to make dinner via Nate. He's crazy busy this week too though, so if he did agree to it; it'd probably show up at one in the morning.
you have internet access. if you want to get your kid off your back, google some ideas. you obviously succeeded in getting him off your front! congrats on that, BTW.
you are a really good writer. i don't give a rat's @*$ how tired you are. i want you to entertain me more often. i miss you when you don't blog! no pressure, no guilt, just me being a needy and overbearing friend. :O)
Your blog never ceases to make me laugh. I feel for your lack of sleep. As for the cravings, with Dax it was anything greasy. With Tenley it was fruit and salads. And tell Brad to go for the rat's tail. I think it would look good on him. And it might open up a new untapped business market.
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