On A Right of Passage

When your first child walks early it is clearly representative of the child's parents' intelligence, success, and outstanding athletic ability.



When your second child learns to walk, you say, "That's nice".



When your third child learns to walk, you mutter a "whatever".



And when your fourth child arrives, you whisper fervently in their ear, "please stay small, fit in my pocket and be my baby forever, don't grow-or walk--please, please, please!".



And when they disobey you, you cry and let them go on a cloudy October day.

We have good times too...

About a week ago the girls and I undertook the adventure of planting 200 bulbs, which means I still have 100 to plant, multiple random holes to fill and Norah and Lulu are barely speaking to each other.



Abram is always wearing this getup. He attracts a lot of attention in the grocery store with the bike helmet. I say it's protection in case he falls out of the cart.







While watching conference on Saturday, we made glitter pumpkins, and decorated for Halloween.













Rosemary is still perfect. I really mean it. I am so lucky to have such a sweet tempered, loving, and gentle baby.


















She just cuddles and coos and fills me with love and gratitude, and often that is just what I need to get through the day.

The Truth (at least some of it)

I've been thinking about comments I receive,the people I chat with once in a while and the perspective of those who read my blog who may not know me very well (although when we speak of knowing someone, there is a whole spectrum of knowledge isn't there?).

A blog, from what I can see and know, is a polished fragment of reality. Most of the truth I choose to keep private because it isn't up for public display, discussion, or debate. And sadly, there are people in my life (possibly most people's lives) who think that they are entitled to weigh in on my children and my choices.

Having said that, I feel that sometimes, not sharing the truth about certain things can be a disservice to others. I certainly don't want to mislead anyone by presenting a life of only beauty and loveliness.

I am often sad and have many setbacks. Lulu has made a lot of progress, but still struggles with a number of things. Just when I thought we had a few of them down she started to regress back into horrible social melt downs. They are often embarrassing and exhausting. She is inconsolable, and I am clueless. She is beautiful, and she is tender. I love her, but I am less than adequate for her in these situations.

I don't really feel like sharing that much about Norah, but I will say, it is a difficult situation. Norah is a sweet and sensitive little girl,we are trying to find the best way to help her focus and achieve her potential. I struggle every single day to keep myself calm and patient while trying to help her perform tasks.

Abram is occasionally sweet tempered, it's true. But he really is a Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde. He throws screaming and kicking temper tantrums 5-8 times a day. I pray every night and every morning and often in between that I will know how to keep him calm and how to love him more. And, he's not interested in the potty, bummer.

Rosemary is perfect. Seriously.

So, to summarize, sometimes I am a good mother. Often, I am not. Although, I don't run around with friends, go out to lunch, watch TV,shop, or sit at the computer (very often), I fall short all. the. time. I don't know what the answers are. I am often lonely in my problems, oh yeah, there are also my problems besides those of my children (which essentially are my problems as well) and I almost always feel inadequate for this job.

I have a lot to be grateful for. I love my children, they are the reason I wake up every morning and the reason I fall in bed exhausted every single night. But I want you to know that these pretty pictures aren't the whole story, they tell only a small piece.

So here is to anyone else who struggles and cries. I invite you to stop by sometime for a drink and a hug.

Headway

Summer is fading. A chill is at our door and has doomed my dahlias.



Shoes and socks, now back in vogue, inevitably divide themselves causing ceaseless drama.



It's a Texas Chili type of day,



and we are celebrating because someone got her first 100% on a math test.

A little nostalgia goes a long way

Ten of us piled into a battered three-tone Beauville full-sized van as we embarked on a trek west, or east, or south (for that matter). The trip would be smelly, there would be wet pants, hair pulling, threats, yelling and an astronomical amount of dirty looks, but time was spent together and these times are remembered with fondness and laughter.

Whether it was Mt. Rushmore, Lake Superior, or Zions, I am grateful for the family road trip.



Have you been watching The National Parks: America's Best Idea on PBS? Incredible.



Suburbia can get you down, I often feel a real disconnect when surrounded by artifice. We've been trying to regroup our natural bearings once a week as we go on hikes and wander through trails.







My best memories with my family have been in natural settings, where stillness and gratitude were easily felt, and where God's beauty whispered it's truths to me and I felt whole.

So here is my plan: buy a map, stake out national parks we would like to visit, learn about the history and treasures of that park, then drive to the park fighting, wetting, and screaming all the way. Hopefully the awe and wonder of our visits out weigh the threats and the yelling that will surely ensue. And hopefully the nostalgia for alfresco family time will lend it's legacy to my children.

Anticeptic

Tuesday was a heavy day, a morning meeting regarding Norah left me feeling a bit broken and fearful.



Life is so often rerouted from the anticipated course, and we are left in a heap of humility with only the essentials intact. Isn't it just like God to reiterate once again that my own understanding is very, very limited? And that I desperately need Him?

I'm not sure what all the answers are for Norah, but I am sure that there is room for more love, sweeter words, a gentler touch, and more direction from her Father in heaven. He loves her and I know that he wants to help us succeed as her parents, whatever that may mean.

Feeling lonely and achy Tuesday night, I reluctantly joined the young women for our activity. I sat cross-legged in a darkened room and listened to President Monson's words. "Never let a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved" soothed my aches and satiated my need. The problems this situation presents matter little next to the need to love.

And again, His perfect love casteth out all fear, and maybe this, in part, will help Norah.

A little bit of backlog

I've taken photos, when it occurs to me. I've mind blogged here and there-scraping it all for a library book or a shortbread cookie recipe.



I keep thinking I'll just post little bits of our days so that there is something to look back on, but than I think about the meat of our lives. Should I share? Is it an open door for those who feel the need to condescend? I, for one, have found support in the words of those who have similar paths.



Don't get me wrong, I'm content and enjoying my life, but there are things...




Do I write about Norah and her struggles?



Do I write about Lulu and her afternoon "school" at Autism Journeys?



Do I write about how there a few fleeting moments in the day when I want to cuddle Abram close and smother him with love but mostly I want to leave him screaming and yelling in the grocery store/library/Thanksgiving Point garden/park, and pretend I don't know him or his sorry mother?




Do I write about how being the YW president is often rewarding, always busy, and sometimes incredibly difficult? Do I write about how there are times it makes me feel lonely, alone, and sad? I know, "all these things shall give me experience, and shall be for my good". But there are days.




I'm content to let the world pass us by-to make a peach this or a peach that.



Finding the balance between simplicity/establishing a house of the Lord and charity/knowledge is a serious and ever evolving endeavor.



I'll continue to think about it while making another tart.





And while my baby smears her face with sugar.