A few weeks ago, I was complaining to my husband that I didn't feel that the culture I lived in allowed for much honesty when it came to being a mother and raising children. In fact, I think I said something about wishing we could just be more honest about what goes on behind closed doors, or even what happens in public for that matter.
I think it is common in an LDS culture to believe that if things are difficult, or if you aren't happy all of the time, you must be doing something wrong. And I know that there are moms who are "having the most fun they have ever had" and I know that there are seasons, but I also know that there are women who suffer behind those doors because they feel a tremendous burden raising their children. I happen to be one, but I don't know that it is behind any door.
I am grateful, in fact I feel very lucky in life, but happiness? It is very fleeting, my days are extremely stressful, and it's no exaggeration to say I often feel as if I've made the wrong career choice. So when I read this article, and then read many blog responses to it, including that Satan must be behind the article, it causes me to wonder about "happiness" and what it really means.
Back to my culture or perhaps better described as my community: not long after my complaining, we had a tragedy in my neighborhood, in fact the last year has been a tough one for the women of my ward. In response to this tragedy, we had a special Relief Society meeting about trials and hardships and I felt an outpouring of the Lord's love.
The Lord has never promised that the things he asks us to do will bring us immediate happiness. And happiness isn't the same thing as joy. I believe in joy, I believe that if I do the best I can and keep picking myself up, I will have joy in the work I do. Maybe not right now. It is a mountain, there is joy in the journey but there is also sadness, and exasperation, and exhaustion. And that is OK. It is all a part of the plan. I am grateful that the Lord has given me a woman to visit teach who struggles with a difficult child. She struggles daily, but she is faithful. She teaches me to have more faith in the Lord's plan.
I often think of the mission I served as a microcosm of life, really all that was left after those 18 months are the relationships. And they bring me joy. I feel so much overwhelming joy when I think of the beautiful experience that was my mission. I learned so much and evolved into a mature woman, I learned to love and trust Jesus Christ. I laughed and did have fun. But when I look at journals and am reminded by fleeting memories, I remember it was hard, so hard, painfully hard. I don't know that I would go back to those same situations. That difficulty and those hardships and pain is a great part of the joy.
So if you ever feel forlorn, think of me, sitting on my front porch at 7 pm with my head in my hands. And know that I pick pieces of happiness where I can find them.
They usually aren't found in the car. Too many tantrums.
But something simple like Rosemary's treasure lunch box that she carries everywhere will make me smile.
Or the fact that sometimes, they are actually friends.
More than happiness, I think I need to have faith. And I do know that faith brings joy. And joy isn't fleeting, it lasts forever.
10 comments:
Ooh, I love this meaty post. I am going to have to come back tonight and read it again, and read that article. Thank you for your honesty. TTYL . . .
I love this post Martha! I feel the same way and appreciate your honesty so much! Sometimes I feel alone in my struggles as a mom because nobody talks about it. I admire you for being a mom of 4 young kids! You are inspiring!
Here I am again. What an interesting article. I wish we had time to sit down and talk about this in person, because there is so much to this subject. I like your perspective on happiness and joy, on how the hard is part of the joy--an essential part.
I wonder how often I would be sitting on my front porch if I had four. I sometimes LONG for four, but since our one is a miracle, I am grateful. I do notice that one is much more easy to handle than four. Not trouble free, and definitely missing a built-in sib/playmate, but I get extremely frazzled and overwhelmed when there are other kids to manage; I can only imagine doing it full time. I know I've mentioned that briefly here before.
Hm . . . I have several trains of thought . . . this definitely is more of a long email or heart-to-heart chat kind of subject. You do inspire me.
I think you are right about looking for the small things (like the treasure lunch box) that make us smile. There are far too many stressors in any given day that can detract from our joy. But living in the moment, noticing the little things, we can have moments of peace and joy.
i feel like i could have written this (only not as eloquently) the mission as a microcosm of joy, albeit a jaded memory, is perfect. i have more to say, but i'll probably email you instead. believe it or not, i do have boundaries.
Just another reason I am so glad I know you as a friend. I always appreciate your sharing.
what an honest, wonderful post. On the nights I'm sitting on the porch (alas, it continues through teens) I'll turn your direction on the other side of the country and wink. Or shrug.
thanks, Martha. It's so inspiriting to have real-ness shared in such a overwhelmingly one-sided blogland.
And I am jealous that your day ends at 7 pm. ;) My heads are in my hands and my head on the couch pillows by 10 pm!
Your post reminded me of a letter a friend sent me at the beginning of my mission. He stated that after you get home your mission would be a blessing or a curse to you. I feel it is very much the same in life.
This was great Martha! I love your honesty. LOVE LOVE LOVE it. Some days are tough but we all plug along cause it's also wonderful. Thanks for explaining it so well.
I wish I'd read this post before we got together last night. I could not agree more with your thoughts on the mission and life as a mom. Your writing is beautiful. After last night and reading this post, I realized how wonderful it would be to have more time with you.
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