Better

girls camp 2009



I'm just emerging from six and a half years of functioning fatigue. I felt that if I took too much time to pause or if I peeked out of my microcosm too long, I would misstep, fall and that it would be too difficult to put my nose back to the grindstone of the day in and day out of birthing and breastfeeding.

Not that I begrudged my children of this time (mostly), I would regret a lack of sacrifice.

And not that I am anywhere near being out of the woods, my oldest is 6 and my baby is frankly still a baby. But this is the longest I have ever (since first finding myself pregnant) not been pregnant. And although I have considerably more on my plate than I did 6, 4, or 2 years ago, I am emerging wiser, stronger, more confidant, and with more fortitude. I know that I am a daughter of God, and I really do know that He desires for and can help me become great. I don't know that I ever really felt that as strongly as I do now.

As I tried to help the young women see the potential of their future the other evening, I found myself wondering: What is my potential this year? How good can I become?

For so long it's been: Just help me survive this without irreparably damaging anyone please.

But now I feel a gentle yet burning urgency to consecrate myself to who I could and can be.

I really only have three true priorities: spirituality, my relationships (mostly with my children), and my physical well being.

I want to become more like Jesus Christ this year. I need to know Him better, listen to Him more, and follow Him even when it's hard (like not have a bad attitude about 7am ward council, seriously why didn't the time change along with the ward time change?).

I will learn how to be more the mom my children need and spend less time trying to get my children to be who I "need" them to be.

The mother I wanted to be and thought I should be isn't the mother my oldest two need. Their needs weren't part of my paradigm.

Brad and I have been watching This Emotional Life on PBS. The very first installment brought a sort of epiphany for me. An adoptive father was talking about the difficulties of raising his son who had an attachment disorder. He stated that he hadn't wanted to be the dad that he is having to learn how to be. And then he added: but maybe that is what being a dad means.

I was touched by that sentiment. Maybe being a mom means becoming someone different in order to meet the needs of my children. It will be hard and it doesn't mean that outside sources aren't needed, but I know with help I can be better equipped for them.

It has been a long time since I have dedicated much energy to my own physical well being. It was too exhausting and I was too apathetic to really pursue a level of great fitness. But in October all of that changed, the fire was lit and it continues to grow.

I started running by myself and enjoyed the quiet. But after being reprimanded in front of the young women I decided I would swallow my pride and run with a group of women who run marathons, and not just run them, but run them fast. And it's been exhilarating, and my butt has only been frostbitten once.

So we'll see what can happen. At the end of this month I'll run a half marathon in southern Utah and am registered to run the Ogden marathon in May-only 6.5 months after I started running but I really feel good.

I am looking forward to this year. There is much to tackle and it won't be easy, but the sun keeps setting regardless of who I am, yet it feels so much better when I am better than I thought I could be.